Parenting is Exhausting

My son started puking last night.  First he puked in the truck.  Then, later, on the way to the bathroom.  He finally made it to the toilet on his last try.  Two loads of laundry and hosed out truck later we waited on pins and needles waiting to catch what he caught.

But it's not just the sicknesses (that seem to crop up and the most inopportune time) that are exhausting.  No.  In fact I'd say sickness is easy compared to the mental exhaustion that comes from trying to raise kids right.

Now that our kids are older Jake and I think back when our biggest worries were making sure we baby proofed our home, potty training, and sleep training.  Oh how I long for those days.

We are entering the tween years.  We have an 11 year old and a 9 year old and I love to watch them grow into the adults they will someday be but dealing with adult issues I admit, is freaking me out.  Questions, curiosity, and influences out of my control make me want to grab my kids and my copy of "How To Live In The Deep Wilderness and Thrive"and leave and never come back.

*sigh*

Jake and I are taking this phase one prayer, one day, one moment at a time.  We are crying out for wisdom, fully relying on it to get us through.  God commands us to not fear and not be anxious.  Why?  Because He's got it under control.  And that I have to remind myself of daily.

(If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5)

And we've been experiencing this already.  As we approach all these new territories we ask and pray and trust.

Today:

Today I woke up late and had the idea in my head that homeschool was gonna have to wait.  I had to clean and shop and prepare for a Bible study and school would just stress me out.  I also prayed for today to be a day to say "yes" to my kids.

After a time in the Word, as late as it was (my kids slept in), I received a text from a friend asking if I wanted to meet her at the park.  Yes!  There was another reason it was a no school day.

And since we were close to dad's work why not have lunch with him?  Yes!

And then we walked home.  In the rain.

Chores done, a little groceries to get soon.  Bible study later with some special college girls.  And I was wondering why I felt so peaceful today?  It seems pretty obvious after I type it out.

chasm

There's a chasm between us
We pretend is not there
One says you don't love me
One says you don't care

There's a chasm between us
We pretend we don't see

It's the weekend, you're home alone.  You just posted a post you wrote a week ago :)... but you re-read it and were glad you wrote it--mission accomplished --you captured a memory.!

This last Friday morning was tough.  One moment - a span of about 20 minutes - would've drove you to tears had you not had to pull it together for work.  Work has actually been a God-send in that way.  Work's been therapeutic for you in many ways.

But this post is not about work but about your daughter and those 20 minutes.

To my daughter,

In trying to do my best to make you smile that morning I made the situation worse.  When moments like this happen I don't know how it all escalates so fast, I don't even see it coming.  It's just like a tornado that comes and goes just like that leaving a trail of destruction in it's wake... tears, hurt feelings, despair, anger, sadness.

Sis, I just want you to know I'm trying.  I'll keep trying to do my best to help you through life.  I'll keep trying to reign in my emotions, be the mature one.  I'll keep trying to put a guard over my mouth.  I'll keep trying to see things from your eyes. I'll never give up.

I want you to know how wonderful and beautiful you are and how I love you just the way you are.  You are so complex.  You are so deep.  You are not hard to parent as I've said before in moments of utter despair.  It's just you are not a child a lazy parent can parent well.  You demand real love time and attention.  And that's good.  You are not satisfied with movies or video games.  You want interaction.  You hate electronics.  You want to go out for walks and play games and you always have to be doing something otherwise life is boring.  You are action.  And that is good.  You are a rare child these days.

You always have been bent on action.  I've always thanked God for your personality because it doesn't allow me to be lazy.  Sure I don't always say yes to your requests but you don't realize that when I do say yes what an accomplishment that is.  All those times I said, "OK 15 minutes on the trampoline" or "OK let's go for that walk" or "yes I'll play outside with you."  Those are big deals for your mom... :)

You make me a better person.

I wished on that Friday you could see past my words and see the depth of love I have for you and how I just want you to be happy and strong and resilient to the darts of your immature friends.  And when you walk out of the car crying I am crying too. I don't like when we fight. I the hurt is so deep for me.

Someday you will I hope.  As I did when I grew up.

Love,
Mom

Still Working Things Out

This blog has been mine since 2005. It's now the end of 2018. My babies are not babies anymore. My son is a bonafide adult and my daughter is close. My thoughts run ahead and wonder what it'll be like as an empty-nester. At the same time they look back and wonder if I've done enough. As a mom I'll always believe I could've done more. Mom-Guilt is real. But my kids know I love them, know they are loved and so that makes me feel good.

Until I'm an empty-nester I'm going to soak in all that I can. Enjoy their moments in high school. Be present and show up. Listen to their stories. Rub backs and welcome their friends over. Enjoy who they are and who they are becoming. Encourage their curiosities, teach them to drive, get jobs, and fill out scholarship applications. 

The last year or two as my children become less dependent on me I'm reclaiming myself. I had no problem being their mom all these years, my main identity as Caed and McKenna's mom but as I have more time to myself, myself is emerging and I like being independent. That's new. I think after years of being a wife and mom, just being Kelli seems refreshing.

I'm still married so I don't mean that I won't still be a wife but a marriage of 5 years is different than a marriage of 22 years. When I used to hang on every word of my husband and hold him high on pedestal as my world revolved around him now as years and years and purified our marriage I see him rightly as a human and not some sort of perfect human being. Thus we continue to walk this road of life together but I'm not hidden behind him I'm walking beside him, finding my voice, myself. I was only 20 when I got married fully in love and narrowly focused on him and only him.  Now my angle is wider and he's still in the field of vision but so is a lot more.

And so here I type. I don't ever forget this blog. I come back time to time and write dumb stuff.

And now I'm done.