This blog has been mine since 2005. It's now the end of 2018. My babies are not babies anymore. My son is a bonafide adult and my daughter is close. My thoughts run ahead and wonder what it'll be like as an empty-nester. At the same time they look back and wonder if I've done enough. As a mom I'll always believe I could've done more. Mom-Guilt is real. But my kids know I love them, know they are loved and so that makes me feel good.
Until I'm an empty-nester I'm going to soak in all that I can. Enjoy their moments in high school. Be present and show up. Listen to their stories. Rub backs and welcome their friends over. Enjoy who they are and who they are becoming. Encourage their curiosities, teach them to drive, get jobs, and fill out scholarship applications.
The last year or two as my children become less dependent on me I'm reclaiming myself. I had no problem being their mom all these years, my main identity as Caed and McKenna's mom but as I have more time to myself, myself is emerging and I like being independent. That's new. I think after years of being a wife and mom, just being Kelli seems refreshing.
I'm still married so I don't mean that I won't still be a wife but a marriage of 5 years is different than a marriage of 22 years. When I used to hang on every word of my husband and hold him high on pedestal as my world revolved around him now as years and years and purified our marriage I see him rightly as a human and not some sort of perfect human being. Thus we continue to walk this road of life together but I'm not hidden behind him I'm walking beside him, finding my voice, myself. I was only 20 when I got married fully in love and narrowly focused on him and only him. Now my angle is wider and he's still in the field of vision but so is a lot more.
And so here I type. I don't ever forget this blog. I come back time to time and write dumb stuff.
And now I'm done.
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