Remembering

Last spring was a dark time in my life. A valley through the shadow of death, spiritually speaking. No one died but my faith felt like it just might. I was paralyzed by my sin and questioning my salvation. I got lost and confused staying from the path of faith and grace and wandering through the mire of good works.

I try to pin point how it started. First I thought it was 05. I had to put my cat of many years down. She could've lived longer but she no longer had a home and I couldn't keep her and well she was old... I put her down. That incident began the journey of the dark place. My eyes were opened to the reality of who I am. My depraved sinful person.

Months before I had been praying that God would show me my sins and that I would feel them. I felt that it was too easy for me to confess and say sorry. I wanted to be more sorrowful and feel the weightyness of it. I didn't want to take sin so lightly.

My baby kitty incident was a bit more involved (on many levels) but the pain is too raw and near the surface that I never go into it deeply anymore. Even now I tear up and don't want to go any further.

But after that I began to see my sinfulness. I began to see motives and attitudes and the person who I was apart from Christ. At first as depressing as it was I was thankful. I was mourning my sin, I was seeing my need for Christ, and I was truly poor in Spirit. But it dragged on for about 2 years.

After about 2 years I realized instead of taking this revelation of my sin and turning it into praise and adoration of my Saviour I had became more inward focused. Focusing on my bad self which led to depression and despair. God enlightened me and again I was thankful. I was saved and covered by Jesus's blood.

But I wasn't the same person. I wasn't the happy go lucky new born Christian. I had seen ugly things. I was on the right path again but a little disillusioned. About this time I began listening to a guy on the radio who was an armeniest. He soon had a debate with a Calvanist. This debate rocked my world in a bad way because here were two men who were Bible scholars who didn't agree on something. With Scripture to back it up. It was so frustrating to me. How could I know that what I believed was true?

So I wandered again. I got grumpy. Instead of taking the searching, praying, believing, educating myself route I just whined, groaned, murmered, and complained. I also grew away from my friend Jesus.

When that happens it's so sad. And scary. This lead me to my travel through the valley of the shadow of death. I began to question my salvation of course. I tetered on the fence of sins some of which I indulged (mostly not taking thoughts captive, indulging sinful thoughts) and peered over at the land of Apostacy. Take heart though. Though I was faithless God was faithful. Though I could not see him He was surly with me.

I never stepped foot in the land of Apostacy... no and I didn't plan to. I just looked at it because I was questioning and of course Satan was on top of it enticing me. But nothing was inticing about that land. Even in my low state that land was no where I wanted to be. Because the land of apostacy is hopeless and disgusting. Self indulgent, deceptive, and like a black whole. I could see that even in my sad state... because of HIS light!

But I still was scared. I wasn't chooseing to go to the other side but had my lack of faith and my sinful behavior put me there? Had a snubbed Jesus and lost my salvation. That was a place I was so confused. Can we lose our salvaion? If we are called am I even called? Have the last 14 years been an illusion? Never. I tried to believe. But it was hard. Truth was evasive. Not because it's not there but because... I didn't search for it. I wanted someone to spoon feed me.

God sent some things to get me throught this time. The most important was Bunyun's book Pilgrims Progress. During my bleakness I had prayed simple prayers (help! lead me not into temptation! Deliver me from evil!) and one day I googled "valley of the shawdow of death" and a page with some excerpts of his book came up. I read it and cried. It was exactly where I was at and God was speaking to me. Saying it's not too late but that I'm going through a scary place and to be faithful.

This was the website http://acacia.pair.com/Acacia.Vignettes/Valley.Shadow.Death.html

anyway I still struggle despite how this book ministered to me because there were still things I'd read that made me think I could've lost my salvation. IN bunyun's book there was the sluggard and his friend that slept by the side of the road in shackles... i felt like them. Then some msg's piper had preached made me wonder. I struggled reading the word, my thought life was unleashed wreaking havoc inside me, and Jesus felt more distant than he'd ever felt.

But a thread remained. I went back to the beginning and new what experienced 14 years ago the encounter I had with God was not a fluke. It was very real. (God was holding on to me) Bunyun's book showed me that this is a time for my testing and character building. It's part of my walk. Other blogs and such reminded me that our walk with God is a series of ups and downs and valleys are more common than mountain tops.
 (I list these for my own remembrance)
A few Barlow Girl songs 3 casting crown songs too.
i need you to love me
slow fade
east to west
somewhere in the middle
never alone

I imerged from the dark valley. like bunyun i was still in a valley but the lights were on finally. i still had a voyage but at least I could see now.

in the months that followed i found myself struggling to get back on the path i once was. the path of excited growing in the lord. but now i think the path of somber walking with jesus is ok. my walk with him is not one of naivete anymore and i was carefully. sin and lions crouch everywhere. i'm learning to hear the spirit calling me to prayer, warning me of danger, and pushing me through the comfort zones. somber is good. it keeps me humble and aware. jesus wi with me.

so now i pray... ok so I am familiar with my sinful self. i want to see good. i want to feel good. i want hide myself in christ and forget the past and move forward.

update: 10/12/10
Just recently prayed to Jesus about not "feeling" that friendship still.  I know he's there and wants to be my friend but it still wasn't like it was before even though I'm out of this dark valley and somber time.  The answer I got was to remind myself that I want to be his friend.  So that's what I've been doing and it's been working.  In reality he reminds me to remind myself.  :)

Words Of Encouragement

People sometimes describe words of Scripture as "jumping off the page" at them. Isaiah 53:3 did just that at me this morning.

"He (Jesus) is despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief."

Last night I was reflecting on how unhappy I seem. I am grateful for the things and people in my life. Very. But this world can be very depressing and the war of good and evil that goes on in my soul can be very tiring. The headlines in news can be unbelievably sad. My own sin shames me to tears often. Even the vastness of God can be so overwhelming I feel hopeless to ever grasp anything about him. All that gets me down. I feel sad a lot.

I was wondering if I should get some anti-depressants. Which I did once about 7 years ago. They helped me in the short term but I don't believe my sadness is chemical. I think it's just a result of life.

I often feel rejected--even if part of that rejection is my fault (introvert, fearful, shy). So although Jesus was rejected and despised, sorrowful and grief stricken for reasons much different than my own and completely justifiable the fact that words jumped out off the page and straight into my heart led me to believe that God was letting me know that He's been there and He understands. And He loves me.

And I'm not just a freak. ;)

I'm tired.

If my hubby were here I'd go to bed. When the school year hits the late night bed times are a thing of weekends only. And even then they are not as late as summertime bedtimes.

Roadblock. I'm at a spiritual roadblock. I think I may know what I need to do to get past it but it's painful... it's hard... it's rough. I don't know though. There are a couple facets of what I think I need to do. It might be that I only need to do one thing. I'm in avoidance right now.

I'm tired.

I can't complain

Things are still going well. Weird. I said to myself tonight, "School is what I needed." I think I needed the routine. I think the kids needed it too. They have been more obedient lately and cooperative. Not as much whining, and thanks to an early wake up time, going to sleep quickly. The early mornings are kicking my butt but it's good for me.

My kids are enjoying school too. So far my son loves 4th more than 3rd and my daughter is smiling when I see her on campus. So nice. And so fun seeing them twice a week during lunch. I'm so glad we could come back to this school. Each year we are getting to know it more and more, and friends and parents as well.

I'm just full of joy right now and I'm very thankful for it because I know at any moment it could change.

Wow I have a blog

I was sitting here wondering what to do since I just exhausted the internet and remembered -- oh yah I have a blog again.

Yay.

**crickets**

Ok so I have a new job.  It's official title is.... da da da dum.... Lunch Lady.

Today was my first day and I. Loved. It.  It is noise, chaos, and tons of cute kiddos.  I love getting to see my kids during the day and getting to know their classmates.  It's only 2 hours, 2 days a week.  And it's just fun.  My official role is "Monitor".  I hand out trays and such and tell the kids when they can be done and go to recess.  :)  Today I had to hold a bunch of quick eating, anxious 4th graders for 10 minutes.  At 10 seconds they started to count down.  And off they went...

But it was only my first day.  Let's hope it lasts.

In other news...

**crickets**

My dogs gas is seriously too much.  (He farted as I finished the sentence.)

**wafting hand in front of face**

Ok so in more serious news...

Uh I don't have anymore serious news.  I'll leave off on two notes.  First the last 2 days have been so good.  As in I've been happy!!  Days like these are rare and I cherish them.  They feel good.  Normally I'm melancholy or fighting off the blues or Satan or my own nagging negative personality but not these last 2 days.  Nope.

For that I'm thankful.

And lastly in honor of my first day as Lunch Lady I leave my faithful "reader" (if only in my head) with this video:



Onward!!

I feel like blogging...

So might as well do it on my old blog. I did write on my new one for awhile and then left it and now I'm on this one again. This one is closest to my heart though since it was my very first.

Today my kids started 1st and 4th grade. :) Fun times. Yesterday they had a "meet and greet" at their school and by God's sweet grace my daughter's 2 besties were there. That in turn made her excited for the next day of school. A day she'd been dreading.

The next day came and she left on the bus like nobody's business. My son was already excited to go back to see his best friends. (Later we found out one didn't come back.) And off they went on the yellow school bus. All smiles.

And I was happy.

I had already decided to head to the school to meet them there on their first day. Their still young enough where that's OK for mom to do. But it turned out to be a big mistake for my daughter, the big 1st grader. When she saw me the tears began to well up and she wiped them away one by one as they brimmed over. I knew I must get out of there. I prayed a quick prayer over her, encouraged her, and I was out the door.

And I was melancholy.

I went to see my son as fast as I could for the bell had already rung. I peeked in but he was already hard at work. (Later I found out it was a word search.) But he was content and happy I could tell. He had no bad feelings about the first day of 4th grade.

I was still down. My own tears wanted to form but I held them back. I know she'd be OK but I knew the battle was still here this year as it was last. And I had hoped it was over with the triumphant bus ride. I couldn't help but wonder should I have not peeked in at all? Had I not what would the next day have been like? Would she have been just as excited the second day?

Now I'll never know.

I do know she's not excited tonight as I type this... well not excited about school. I can hear her and her brother across the house making weird noises/screams when they should be in bed... Hmm I better go be mom and tuck them in and call it a night.