It's the weekend, you're home alone.  You just posted a post you wrote a week ago :)... but you re-read it and were glad you wrote it--mission accomplished --you captured a memory.!

This last Friday morning was tough.  One moment - a span of about 20 minutes - would've drove you to tears had you not had to pull it together for work.  Work has actually been a God-send in that way.  Work's been therapeutic for you in many ways.

But this post is not about work but about your daughter and those 20 minutes.

To my daughter,

In trying to do my best to make you smile that morning I made the situation worse.  When moments like this happen I don't know how it all escalates so fast, I don't even see it coming.  It's just like a tornado that comes and goes just like that leaving a trail of destruction in it's wake... tears, hurt feelings, despair, anger, sadness.

Sis, I just want you to know I'm trying.  I'll keep trying to do my best to help you through life.  I'll keep trying to reign in my emotions, be the mature one.  I'll keep trying to put a guard over my mouth.  I'll keep trying to see things from your eyes. I'll never give up.

I want you to know how wonderful and beautiful you are and how I love you just the way you are.  You are so complex.  You are so deep.  You are not hard to parent as I've said before in moments of utter despair.  It's just you are not a child a lazy parent can parent well.  You demand real love time and attention.  And that's good.  You are not satisfied with movies or video games.  You want interaction.  You hate electronics.  You want to go out for walks and play games and you always have to be doing something otherwise life is boring.  You are action.  And that is good.  You are a rare child these days.

You always have been bent on action.  I've always thanked God for your personality because it doesn't allow me to be lazy.  Sure I don't always say yes to your requests but you don't realize that when I do say yes what an accomplishment that is.  All those times I said, "OK 15 minutes on the trampoline" or "OK let's go for that walk" or "yes I'll play outside with you."  Those are big deals for your mom... :)

You make me a better person.

I wished on that Friday you could see past my words and see the depth of love I have for you and how I just want you to be happy and strong and resilient to the darts of your immature friends.  And when you walk out of the car crying I am crying too. I don't like when we fight. I the hurt is so deep for me.

Someday you will I hope.  As I did when I grew up.

Love,
Mom

Still Working Things Out

This blog has been mine since 2005. It's now the end of 2018. My babies are not babies anymore. My son is a bonafide adult and my daughter is close. My thoughts run ahead and wonder what it'll be like as an empty-nester. At the same time they look back and wonder if I've done enough. As a mom I'll always believe I could've done more. Mom-Guilt is real. But my kids know I love them, know they are loved and so that makes me feel good.

Until I'm an empty-nester I'm going to soak in all that I can. Enjoy their moments in high school. Be present and show up. Listen to their stories. Rub backs and welcome their friends over. Enjoy who they are and who they are becoming. Encourage their curiosities, teach them to drive, get jobs, and fill out scholarship applications. 

The last year or two as my children become less dependent on me I'm reclaiming myself. I had no problem being their mom all these years, my main identity as Caed and McKenna's mom but as I have more time to myself, myself is emerging and I like being independent. That's new. I think after years of being a wife and mom, just being Kelli seems refreshing.

I'm still married so I don't mean that I won't still be a wife but a marriage of 5 years is different than a marriage of 22 years. When I used to hang on every word of my husband and hold him high on pedestal as my world revolved around him now as years and years and purified our marriage I see him rightly as a human and not some sort of perfect human being. Thus we continue to walk this road of life together but I'm not hidden behind him I'm walking beside him, finding my voice, myself. I was only 20 when I got married fully in love and narrowly focused on him and only him.  Now my angle is wider and he's still in the field of vision but so is a lot more.

And so here I type. I don't ever forget this blog. I come back time to time and write dumb stuff.

And now I'm done. 

February 22 Then and Now

15 years worth of journals.


My journals are filled with my mundane life-- babies, husband, weight roller coasters, depression, family and friends, struggles and celebrations and Jesus is the glue that holds it--me--all together.

I thought it'd be fun to go through them and blog journal entries concurrent to the day I'm blogging.

Snippets from journals this day, then:

Feb 22, 2003
"Okeedokee - It's been a while since I've been able to write and it's been awhile since I've had a quiet time.  Anyway - so here I am with open arms.  Caed pooped in his pull-up today.  I thought we were over that but nope - we ran out of toys (prizes) and now no poop on potty."

Feb 22, 2007 (a memory wrote down in one of my favorite devotional books)
"Kenna singing "oh no you never let go, through the calm and through the storm" playing with toys and laying on our bed"

And now:

Feb 22 2015

"When you find yourself in a time of desert - remember what God has brought you through and do not let your heart be hardened."  

Preaching to myself

My Original blog I started in 2005.  I think I post at least once a year.  :) Where are we?  Well our son will be 14 in a few short weeks.  Our daughter 11.  I turn 38 in a week and Jake has reached the infamous 4-0.

I am going back to school for accounting.  I work with Jake now, enjoying the work and environment.  Life is cruising a little too fast for my liking.  5 short years and my son will be off, presumably to college.

Most of the time I feel like I'm in the middle of a hurricane and I can't really focus on anything, everything whirling by my face at breakneck speeds.  I'm desperate for it all to slow down, to focus on just a few things and savor the moments.  Rather it feels like I barely taste the morsels of life.  Brief savory bits pass through my teeth but all that remains on my taste buds is the bitterness of things that don't matter.  Homework, housework, obligations, the 8-5.

I try to make the meaningless matter since it takes up 90% of my life.  Find joy in the humdrum and the rush.

But the 90% matters just as much as the 10% sporadic blissful moments that seems to go as fast as they come.  None of it's meaningless.  Everything can matter.  If--when--I grasp that and flesh it out the storm calms and joy breaks through, restored.

Veteran's Day

Make up.  My daughter noticed I wore more eye make up than usual the last 2 days.

Vets.  Veterans.  Today is that day.  Thankful for those people.  They are incredible.

Osgood-Schlatters, MRI, Starbucks, bread, Community, son and Son, contentment.

was 11/11/13