Parenting is Exhausting

My son started puking last night.  First he puked in the truck.  Then, later, on the way to the bathroom.  He finally made it to the toilet on his last try.  Two loads of laundry and hosed out truck later we waited on pins and needles waiting to catch what he caught.

But it's not just the sicknesses (that seem to crop up and the most inopportune time) that are exhausting.  No.  In fact I'd say sickness is easy compared to the mental exhaustion that comes from trying to raise kids right.

Now that our kids are older Jake and I think back when our biggest worries were making sure we baby proofed our home, potty training, and sleep training.  Oh how I long for those days.

We are entering the tween years.  We have an 11 year old and a 9 year old and I love to watch them grow into the adults they will someday be but dealing with adult issues I admit, is freaking me out.  Questions, curiosity, and influences out of my control make me want to grab my kids and my copy of "How To Live In The Deep Wilderness and Thrive"and leave and never come back.

*sigh*

Jake and I are taking this phase one prayer, one day, one moment at a time.  We are crying out for wisdom, fully relying on it to get us through.  God commands us to not fear and not be anxious.  Why?  Because He's got it under control.  And that I have to remind myself of daily.

(If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5)

And we've been experiencing this already.  As we approach all these new territories we ask and pray and trust.

Today:

Today I woke up late and had the idea in my head that homeschool was gonna have to wait.  I had to clean and shop and prepare for a Bible study and school would just stress me out.  I also prayed for today to be a day to say "yes" to my kids.

After a time in the Word, as late as it was (my kids slept in), I received a text from a friend asking if I wanted to meet her at the park.  Yes!  There was another reason it was a no school day.

And since we were close to dad's work why not have lunch with him?  Yes!

And then we walked home.  In the rain.

Chores done, a little groceries to get soon.  Bible study later with some special college girls.  And I was wondering why I felt so peaceful today?  It seems pretty obvious after I type it out.

chasm

There's a chasm between us
We pretend is not there
One says you don't love me
One says you don't care

There's a chasm between us
We pretend we don't see

It's the weekend, you're home alone.  You just posted a post you wrote a week ago :)... but you re-read it and were glad you wrote it--mission accomplished --you captured a memory.!

This last Friday morning was tough.  One moment - a span of about 20 minutes - would've drove you to tears had you not had to pull it together for work.  Work has actually been a God-send in that way.  Work's been therapeutic for you in many ways.

But this post is not about work but about your daughter and those 20 minutes.

To my daughter,

In trying to do my best to make you smile that morning I made the situation worse.  When moments like this happen I don't know how it all escalates so fast, I don't even see it coming.  It's just like a tornado that comes and goes just like that leaving a trail of destruction in it's wake... tears, hurt feelings, despair, anger, sadness.

Sis, I just want you to know I'm trying.  I'll keep trying to do my best to help you through life.  I'll keep trying to reign in my emotions, be the mature one.  I'll keep trying to put a guard over my mouth.  I'll keep trying to see things from your eyes. I'll never give up.

I want you to know how wonderful and beautiful you are and how I love you just the way you are.  You are so complex.  You are so deep.  You are not hard to parent as I've said before in moments of utter despair.  It's just you are not a child a lazy parent can parent well.  You demand real love time and attention.  And that's good.  You are not satisfied with movies or video games.  You want interaction.  You hate electronics.  You want to go out for walks and play games and you always have to be doing something otherwise life is boring.  You are action.  And that is good.  You are a rare child these days.

You always have been bent on action.  I've always thanked God for your personality because it doesn't allow me to be lazy.  Sure I don't always say yes to your requests but you don't realize that when I do say yes what an accomplishment that is.  All those times I said, "OK 15 minutes on the trampoline" or "OK let's go for that walk" or "yes I'll play outside with you."  Those are big deals for your mom... :)

You make me a better person.

I wished on that Friday you could see past my words and see the depth of love I have for you and how I just want you to be happy and strong and resilient to the darts of your immature friends.  And when you walk out of the car crying I am crying too. I don't like when we fight. I the hurt is so deep for me.

Someday you will I hope.  As I did when I grew up.

Love,
Mom

Still Working Things Out

This blog has been mine since 2005. It's now the end of 2018. My babies are not babies anymore. My son is a bonafide adult and my daughter is close. My thoughts run ahead and wonder what it'll be like as an empty-nester. At the same time they look back and wonder if I've done enough. As a mom I'll always believe I could've done more. Mom-Guilt is real. But my kids know I love them, know they are loved and so that makes me feel good.

Until I'm an empty-nester I'm going to soak in all that I can. Enjoy their moments in high school. Be present and show up. Listen to their stories. Rub backs and welcome their friends over. Enjoy who they are and who they are becoming. Encourage their curiosities, teach them to drive, get jobs, and fill out scholarship applications. 

The last year or two as my children become less dependent on me I'm reclaiming myself. I had no problem being their mom all these years, my main identity as Caed and McKenna's mom but as I have more time to myself, myself is emerging and I like being independent. That's new. I think after years of being a wife and mom, just being Kelli seems refreshing.

I'm still married so I don't mean that I won't still be a wife but a marriage of 5 years is different than a marriage of 22 years. When I used to hang on every word of my husband and hold him high on pedestal as my world revolved around him now as years and years and purified our marriage I see him rightly as a human and not some sort of perfect human being. Thus we continue to walk this road of life together but I'm not hidden behind him I'm walking beside him, finding my voice, myself. I was only 20 when I got married fully in love and narrowly focused on him and only him.  Now my angle is wider and he's still in the field of vision but so is a lot more.

And so here I type. I don't ever forget this blog. I come back time to time and write dumb stuff.

And now I'm done. 

February 22 Then and Now

15 years worth of journals.


My journals are filled with my mundane life-- babies, husband, weight roller coasters, depression, family and friends, struggles and celebrations and Jesus is the glue that holds it--me--all together.

I thought it'd be fun to go through them and blog journal entries concurrent to the day I'm blogging.

Snippets from journals this day, then:

Feb 22, 2003
"Okeedokee - It's been a while since I've been able to write and it's been awhile since I've had a quiet time.  Anyway - so here I am with open arms.  Caed pooped in his pull-up today.  I thought we were over that but nope - we ran out of toys (prizes) and now no poop on potty."

Feb 22, 2007 (a memory wrote down in one of my favorite devotional books)
"Kenna singing "oh no you never let go, through the calm and through the storm" playing with toys and laying on our bed"

And now:

Feb 22 2015

"When you find yourself in a time of desert - remember what God has brought you through and do not let your heart be hardened."  

Preaching to myself

My Original blog I started in 2005.  I think I post at least once a year.  :) Where are we?  Well our son will be 14 in a few short weeks.  Our daughter 11.  I turn 38 in a week and Jake has reached the infamous 4-0.

I am going back to school for accounting.  I work with Jake now, enjoying the work and environment.  Life is cruising a little too fast for my liking.  5 short years and my son will be off, presumably to college.

Most of the time I feel like I'm in the middle of a hurricane and I can't really focus on anything, everything whirling by my face at breakneck speeds.  I'm desperate for it all to slow down, to focus on just a few things and savor the moments.  Rather it feels like I barely taste the morsels of life.  Brief savory bits pass through my teeth but all that remains on my taste buds is the bitterness of things that don't matter.  Homework, housework, obligations, the 8-5.

I try to make the meaningless matter since it takes up 90% of my life.  Find joy in the humdrum and the rush.

But the 90% matters just as much as the 10% sporadic blissful moments that seems to go as fast as they come.  None of it's meaningless.  Everything can matter.  If--when--I grasp that and flesh it out the storm calms and joy breaks through, restored.

Veteran's Day

Make up.  My daughter noticed I wore more eye make up than usual the last 2 days.

Vets.  Veterans.  Today is that day.  Thankful for those people.  They are incredible.

Osgood-Schlatters, MRI, Starbucks, bread, Community, son and Son, contentment.

was 11/11/13

Alone(Royals + Ted + Radical + Babies + Though You Slay Me) = 11/10/2013

In that Order.

Today you threw a party for you daughter's 11th birthday.  (1 of 3)  This party was for her school friends.  You always get a bit nervous (hoping you do a good job entertaining and making it a fun party for the guests and your daughter) a little anxious (lots of little, loud, crazy girls kind of makes you a little on edge) but a few minutes in you were glad you put forth the effort making this happen.  Her smiles, their smiles, laughs, silliness galore, tie dyed shirts, headbands as mustaches, pictures drawn by friends of her favorite things (animals!), hula hoops, lip gloss, cupcakes and singing and dancing.   The memories made will be worth it.

The night before you were out late shopping with your favorite person Jessica.  You were super tired eyes red from a week's worth of poor sleep and early mornings but this was the time you had.  And shopping with your best friend (along with some Vietnamese food in the sketchy part of town) made it fun and doable.

You woke up early on a Saturday for all the last minute prep and last visit to the grocery store.  Jake and your son helped get the place ready and together much was accomplished

You also were grateful for meeting the parents of her cute little friends and the opportunity to know her friends a little better.  They are pretty sweet little tweens.

Jake video'd on Caed's cam you took pics (poor Caed was working on Algebra) and Jake as only Jake can talked in silly voices and talked about boogers and the girls laughed and laughed.

You've never been much for the rambunctiousness of kids but you're getting better the older you get and the older your kids get and you are enjoying it.  True you didn't allow a sleepover... that would've been a little too much.. this time anyways.  

So in a short while your parents are coming over for party 2 of 3 along with more of your favorite people.  And you'll be tired once they all go home but you'll smile when you remember you can sleep in Sunday (since church is at 4 now).  And you'll know even if in a few years all will be forgotten the happiness of now makes it all worth it.  Togetherness, celebrating, laughs, and food.   You love your baby girl.

Today I began thinking about how soon my kids will be out of the nest and how each stage we've gone through and are about to go through as parents, as people, as adults has been unique with it's own challenges, joys, and memories.

And then came the urge to blog.  To document.  I saw myself, my future self, sifting through old blogs and writing new ones and remembering, cherishing, and noting the stages.

You can see from my side bar --all "My Blogs"-- that the blog urge happens from time to time (and for some reason I felt the urge to create new blogs... and I have deleted some along the way...sheesh).

I have not blogged lately with any consistency.  However my daydreaming today made me want to remember and record, write and document because the days are flying by.  I decided I will go home gather up my blogs and start blogging again.  And why not begin again with the blog that started it all.

This blog.  My very first post was in November of 2005.  Now 8 years later here I am again.  My kids were 3 and 5, now they are 11 and 13.  Jake and I were married 8 years now 16.  Our little buddy Blacky who we brought home December of 2005 and was first blogged about on this blog, died June of 2013.  We now have 8 month old Kitten, named Pouncer joining us.  I was a stay-at-home mom then now I work full time.  Jake was an apprentice electrician working for my dad, now he's the Supervising electrician at his current place of employment.

Some things haven't changed.  Obviously the blog urge ;) hasn't gone away.  But we are still sinners saved by Grace who stand on that Grace daily.  We walk with Jesus.  We walk through tough valleys and we take in the view from high mountaintops.  We've walked many tough journeys since I left this blog, journeys of trial and testing, journeys through fire, and journeys where each corner is new uncharted territory.  And we've walked some wonderful roads together as a family.  One of my greatest joys is watching my kids grow, mature, and emerge into the person God's created them to be.

Beginning again - because life is about beginning again.  Do overs and repeats.  And here I am having come full circle.

Onward!

My First Blog Post

2 Corinthians Prayer

I prayed through these verses in 2 Corinthians yesterday.    Just changing it to first person in a petition form.  "May I live in such a way that... In everything I do may I ...If I be beaten... May I prove myself by my purity..."  It was really powerful for me.
2 Corinthians 6:3-10
We live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry.4In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind. 5We have been beaten, been put in prison, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and gone without food. 6We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us,^c and by our sincere love. 7We faithfully preach the truth. God’s power is working in us. We use the weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense. 8We serve God whether people honor us or despise us, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us impostors. 9We are ignored, even though we are well known. We live close to death, but we are still alive. We have been beaten, but we have not been killed. 10Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.

Daily Lessons & Gratitude

Remembering:
And I said, "This is my anguish; But I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High." I will remember the works of the LORD; Surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will also meditate on all Your work, And talk of Your deeds.  Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary; Who is so great a God as our God? You are the God who does wonders; You have declared Your strength among the peoples. You have with Your arm redeemed Your people, the sons of Jacob and Joseph."

My 18 year old nephew is staying with us this weekend.  Talk about remembering--I can remember the day he was born.  I can remember a lot about this kid.  Glad we're getting to spend some time with him this weekend.  He seems so grown up yet (his musical skills on the drums and guitar and his gargantuan size) yet still a crazy kid (playing Mario with my kids and jumping on the trampoline, texting like a madman.)

Daily Lessons:
5/19
Believing (for...healing, salvation, etc) until the end.  That's what friends do.  That's what faith does.
5/20

Believing with people.  A powerful bond and something that just needs to be done.

A foolish woman tears her house down.  A wise one builds it up.

I can't love God when I'm not loving... them, her, him etc.

Praying for myself in the way I pray for others keeps me from pride and judgement

Thanksgiving:

149.  Hope

150.  Finishing a good book.  

151.  Books 

152.  The desire to read

153.  That much blessing comes from hard work and not just easily given

154.  Thankfulness - a result of being filled with the Spirit.

Five days left of school!  Woot Woot.  Have a good weekend.

Daily Lessons & Gratitude

May has been good.  I'm reveling in it.  Just enjoy it Kelli.

Daily Gratitude

131. mornings! (again)

132. healing, renewal, new growth, in lives where fall and winter had left the branches bare and bitten.

133. praying and intercession!  the joy of knowing prayer works and helps.

134. the challenge and responsibility of homeschool!

135. health

136. prayers and hope of the saints.

137. the power of praying over my kids and husband in front of them

138. son waking up and journaling (boy after my own heart)

139 kids like going to Cru and knowing some of the college kids

140. words like: abide, dwell, be filled, portion, Source

141. free Great Harvest bread 

142. iced chai tea 

143. the look on Bekah's face after tasting iced chai for the first time.  I'm still laughing.  She liked it!

144. homeschool group show and tell ... utter adorableness.  

145. God's glory in the midst of tragedy. 

Daily Lessons

5/17/11 - ? - must not been paying attention this day.

5/18/11

Free days aren't all they're cracked up to be.  I miss my time in the Word and my quiet peaceful unhurried times with the Lord.  (having to do with a Get up and in the Word challenge that gives us 2 free days to sleep in...but I'm finding I don't want to even if it's hard getting up at 5am because my times with Him are so fulfilling, I miss them.)

When a cycle of love-in-action is broken you can't wait for the other one to start.  And starting yourself is a great exercise in dependence and trust in the the Lord and humility.  It also will begin to soften a hard heart(s) and fill love tanks.  (And it may be that the other has tried to start but I was not in a place to receive due to hardness of heart and deception.  Either way starting or joining in takes a step of faith and humility but it is worth it.)  

Daily Witness 

Seeing God take me from the depths of depression to the most wonderful month I've had in a long time and someone telling me that she thinks depression is no longer a foot hold in my life.  Amen!  I believe her.

And finally I was reading in Ephesians 5 last night with some wonderful ladies and it talked of how gratitude is an effect of being filled by the Spirit.  I never caught that before but it makes sense.  Thankfulness itself is a gift of God. 

Daily Lessons & Gratitude

I'm enjoying keeping my lists.  I sometimes forget as I get busy throughout the day to write them down but as long as I get some down time in the morning or the evening I can remember... thus the whole stinking point Kelli duh... But so yeah totally proves my point to why I'm doing this.  I look back and remember what God has done each day.  My mood has been better lately too...

I've also changed up my diet and cut sugar out and processed foods drastically and added more protein and a lot less carbs and I am loving that as well (and much more fruit and veggies).  It has helped my mood as well.  

And lastly I've been having morning quiet times at 5 am 5 days of the week and that has helped my mood.

Who would've thunk that remembering God's hand in my life daily, eating healthier, and spending my mornings with Him would make me feel so much better??  I'm shaking my head.  Oh Kelli...

Anywho here's my lists for the last couple of days.
Lessons:

5/14/11

create beautiful things to bring glory to God.

5/16/11

Learning to be myself and leave the results up to God... so less tiring then tying my security to people.

Creating to Glorify Him...

Gratitude:

116. the stirring of my kids in the morning

117. my kids baptism

118. learning to be myself, tying my security to God

119. getting to know women and hearing of God's work in their lives.

120.  Christ the ultimate gift. :)

121. New friends at church for my daughter

122. God slowly warming me up to things.

123. lives changed and decided for Christ, raising to new life out of the water.

124. willingness to be poured out for Christ

125. a nice conversation at church

126. hard work, my path, creating/making beautiful,convo with God about why?

127. Learning to understand the person I've spend the last 14+ years with.

128. simple feelings of happiness/joy/contentment

129. Healthy, real food

130. finally learning the food that makes me feel better!!

And my new witness list.  (think amazing things He's doing or done lately)

1. My children were baptized along with many others Sunday!  

2. Healing my insecurities, helping me be myself, freedom to be myself.

Daily Remembering

Still trying to name these posts, my lists of daily lessons and gratitude.  Daily Lessons & Gratitude?  Hm.  Maybe.  Anyways these lists are where I am right now.  They keep me positive and looking at what God is doing in my life.  I'm thinking of adding a "Witness" column... or something like that remembering what God's done... Like how the Israelites would put stones in a place to remember what God did.

5/12 & 5/13

Lessons

I need boundaries for everything.  And then accountability/partnership.  They give me goals and guidelines and motivation and create discipline.

Leadership creates humility (or rather can if I let it--like failing in front of others, allowing God to change my agendas.  Vulnerability.)  Don't be too lazy to be ambitious or too fearful to take risks.  Submit your leadership to God and let Him lead it and you deliver it...

God is the motivation, the satisfaction... but sometimes I have to remind myself of that.  

We are not above any sin.  We must have accountability and partnership and prayer partners to stay above reproach for the sake of our testimony and because we love Him and He loves us.  And because of the enemy seeking our demise.

Made to manage and create.  God is all about beauty.

Gratitude (from my 1000 gifts list)

111. daily lesson learning.

112. eating dinner on top of the picnic table...in the sun.  

113. spinach

114. yams

115.  God waking me up again at 5am to spend time in His word and prayer.  loved

Daily Lessons and Gratitude

Daily Lists:  Lessons Learned, Thankfulness

Lessons Learned 5/11/11

Sacrifice or regret - you decide
My desire is for Him :) Just need to follow it and go with the promptings of the Spirit. Fan the flame.
Praying always - not just staying close to Him but to others despite the distance as a I pray for the - a true spiritual connection.
Moderation is a discipline that may be harder than fasting altogether.  (But practicing fasting will help in practicing moderation for me  Shows me that I don't have to give in to the hunger.)
Relationship is truly where it's at.
Dawned on me why I don't love blogging - no clean slate.  No "new journal" feel.  And that's why I kept starting new blogs...wanted that new journal feel but then didn't like all my floating, abandoned blogs hanging out in cyber space.  So why do I keep blogging?

Thankfulness

Bible study girls, Logan, Bekah, Melissa, Jasmine, & Jenya
Retreat girls, Rindy, Alyssa, and Hannah
Fast breaks: m&m's and sugar :) (but not too much...)
Park and coffee with old friend=NICE
Women encouraging women (Get up and In the Word)

August 3, 2008

(out of order and just noticed i put month 9 instead of 8 on the last couple posts...)

o my son’s 8th(!) birthday was Wednesday.  Eight?!?!  What in the world?  I can’t even believe how time is passing.  My first born, baby boy is 8.  I remember when he was a baby and Jake and I would try and peek into the future and we’d say, “Can you imagine him being six years old?”  When Jake started apprentice school Caed was 2 and we’d ponder, “Wow, when you’re done with school he’ll be FOUR!!  Whoa can you imagine?  And Kenna will be TWO!!”  Now my boy is 8 and Kenna will be six in a month and a half.

My friend Brandi R. was telling me how on Monday her oldest boy who’s 11 leaves for middle school church camp for a week (he’s now old enough to go) and she just can’t even believe it.  She’s said she’d probably cry.  I totally understood.  Not wierd at all.  I get it.  I teared up when Caed lost his first baby tooth.  I bawled me head off when I dropped them off for their first day of school last year.  Ugh.  Parenting is so hard in all sorts of ways. 

Good time to change subjects.  In other news…

I have one more day of week 7 left in my Couch-to-5K running plan.  Two weeks left!!  For the last three runs I’ve ran 25 minutes straight.  It’s suppose to be about 2 1/2 miles but since I’m slow it’s about 2 1/4.  I’m working on my speed.  I figure when I get to 30 minute runs my goal will be 10 minute miles so I can do 3 miles in 30 minutes.  Right now I’m about 11 (on a treadmill).  I’m actully very pleased with my progress even if I’m a little slow.  7 short weeks ago I couldn’t run 2 minutes withough getting very winded. 

I’ll probably run day 3 tomorrow or Monday then I’ll start week 8 which is 28 minute runs.  No more walking (as or day 3 of week 6) except for my 5 minute warm up. 

Today’s run though kicked my butt.  I was tired from the get go.  This was my third day of 25 minutes and I did nothing different.  The first two 25 minute runs I felt really good.  Nothing hurt, I wasn’t winded, it was just good.  Nothing hurts I was just tired!!  Maybe it was the 2 taquitos I had an hour before my run, ya think?  Whatever it was I was so tired.  Music didn’t help, nothing was good on the TV’s, I kept looking down at the time…it was tough.  And, like always, my face was red as a tomato when I got through.

Alrighty, gotta shower.  Adios peeps.

09/27/08

*after Cain’s offering was rejected by God, Geneses 4: 5-7**

5)So Cain became very angry and his countenance fell.

6)Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen?”

***and the next part is loaded with wisdom…if only Cain would’ve taken heed***

7)”If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.”

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!   That verse rocked my world this morning in a really good, encouraging way.  Cain did not heed God’s word.  The next thing He did was kill his brother.  I picture Cain knowing God was right but left in his anger, full of pride, mad at God for not accepting his offering.  And that attitude quickly overtook his thoughts and God’s voice was drowned out.  

I picture this in my own life.  There are times when I’ve done wrong, been selfish, whiny, or upset at God for not working things out like I had planned.  God talks to me and I know He’s right.  Sometimes it’s through advice of a loved one.  Sometimes it’s through His word, like today.  Sometimes it’s alone in prayer, through a blog, or learning from someone else’s mistake. 

Instead of God catering to Cain’s whining He gave him a tool to get through the rest of life with.  Life won’t always be fair.  Probably not what Cain wanted to hear.   You know what?  We’re not told either why God accepted Abel’s offering and rejected Cain’s.  But I’m willing to bet Cain knew why.  

These verses spoke to me because no matter what–whether God rejects my offering or whether my plans aren’t turning out as I thought,

1) I must continue to do well.  If I don’t sin is crouching at my door.

2) God will give me the wisdom and correction (later in Ch. 4) I need, NOT what I want to hear.

3) If perhaps I should not do well **gasp** sin is crouching but I must master it and not let it trip me up.  If I heed not God’s warning who knows the sin that will ensue. 

4) This just came to me.  If my countenance has fallen could I ask myself this question–What am I blaming God for?  Or, Am I blaming God for something?

What do you think?

9/25/08

Yesterday I finished the couch to 5K running plan.  Today my legs are punishing me for it.  But who cares.  I finished it.  I can run 3 miles for the first time in my life.

So now what? 

I didn’t lose one pound in nine weeks of consistent working out by the way.  What does that tell ya?  I can really pack it down. 

 A little discouraging but I liked running so much I kept at it.  So that’s what I’ll continue to do.  Someday I’ll win the war on food but until then I’ll keep running and working out.  If I’m fat at least I’ll be in shape.

If there are any couch potatoes out there who want to drag their carcass off the couch and pound the pavement go towww.coolrunning.com.